Something to Think About

*Warning: This a rambling, work-in-progress, self-help kind of post about my work-in-progress life. Feel free to skip it if internal struggle and reflection make you queasy.

"I have nothing to show for my time."

As I was scanning the last post this phrase caught my eye. Take it out of the knitting context, apply it to my life in general and it is appallingly true.


Do we go through the everydays of our lives and just be? Or do we attempt to leave a mark on the world, however small? At one point I would have said yes, my time is being well spent. I would like to think that I was making a difference in the lives of my two beautiful nieces, being in their lives and interacting with them everyday. Now that I have moved away I wonder if they even think of me, did I have a lasting influence?

Lately I've been thinking about charity. I have oodles of spare time and yet, what do I have to show for it? I could be spending my time/money working toward making a difference in someone's life. A monetary donation or even making hats, scarves or blankets for those less fortunate than myself. (That sounds so condescending. Less fortunate than myself. How about those in need? Everybody is in need of something) The questions that go through my mind are: Would I being doing it to help others? Or would I be doing it to make myself feel better? Kind of takes the shine off doing good deeds when you do them for selfish reasons.

A few days later...

While charitable acts are a quick feel-good fix, a sense of self-worth needs to be present in everyday life.

In my case it boils down to learning to accept and be happy with who I am and where I am in life.

1. Dave - absolutely the best thing in my life; I need to stop worrying that one day he will wake up and decide that he doesn't love me anymore.
2. Work - I enjoy my job; I like working part-time so I can be home when Dave gets home; I like the flexibility in my schedule so we can take off on trips when Dave gets the travel bug; I wish it paid more but it pays my bills(most of the time).
3. Education - I was close to graduating from the local community college when I got married and moved away. I'd sometimes think about going back to school but I'd come up with reasons not to - I have a hard time doing things alone (I always took classes with friends), it was too expensive, I didn't know what I wanted to study. Now its almost 20 years later and I've finally realized that the only reason I kept thinking about going back to school is that because people kept suggesting that I go back to school I'd come to believe that I was a failure because I didn't have a college degree.
4. Career - which is not the same as 'work'; you need a career to be successful, right? And you can't have a career without a college degree, right? A career should set you up for financial security and provide for retirement, right? Another area in which I have failed perceived myself a failure.

I've never been very good with New Year resolutions and I've always resisted writing down goals. I'll make an exception this time.

I will work on...
I will try...

Ah, screw it.

A good friend told me "You have to move on past your self created walls of inadequacy, and have faith that you can do things."

That's what I'm going to work on.

That, and winning the lottery.